Abusive relationships take their toll, both physically and emotionally, not only on the victim of the abuse, but also on his or her loved ones. The signs of abuse do not always manifest in bruises, cuts, and scratches. It takes education and patience to identify more subtle forms of abuse like intimidation, economic exploitation, or isolation from loved ones. It goes without saying that family members of the abused want to help as much as possible, but these scenarios are often delicate, complex, and must be handled with extreme caution.
Recognition
Before deciding on a plan of action, it’s important to gather as much information as possible about the relationship so that an appropriate strategy can be implemented. Physical abuse is the easiest to detect – bruises, cuts, missing hair, and in more extreme cases black eyes and broken bones. Physical abuse is often just one facet of a systematic approach that abusers take to control and manipulate their partners into subservience. Abusers tend to emotionally abuse their partners by humiliating them in public or instilling a sense of constant guilt. Sometimes the abuser will use money or their children as a form of leverage. If one partner in the relationship prevents the other from getting a job, making economic decisions, or fully understanding their finances, that is a form of abuse. If someone’s access to friends, family, and the outside world is limited, that is a form of abuse. Victims of abuse tend to justify their partner’s heinous actions, so it is important be understanding yet resolute throughout the process.
Warning Signs
The most common, yet subtle, indicator of abuse is change in personality. This can start out with small things like changes in wardrobe, activities, or interests. These changes may be carried out to appease the abuser’s demands or as a reaction to feelings of inadequacy.
Another red flag is drastic mood swings. The family member could exhibit symptoms of depression because the relationship has turned toxic, or they may appear excessively happy and enthusiastic in order to combat suspicions that there is turmoil in the relationship. When the suspected victim of abuse starts making it harder to get in touch with them, use your best judgement as to the actual reason. Maybe they are going through a busy period at work or with their children, or maybe their partner is purposely isolating them. The abuser will often do this not only to cultivate dependence, but also to hide inflicted wounds from the outside world.
Do
When helping a loved one work through an abusive relationship, the most important thing to keep in mind is that no two situations are the same. There’s no guide describing the steps to end an abusive relationship, but there are some best practices:
- Schedule a time where you can speak with your family member in private. Reinforce that you are concerned and cite specific instances where you were worried about his or her safety.
- Victims of abuse can often feel as though they are being ambushed when spoken to about their relationship. Be supportive and show patience by allowing them to open up at their own pace. Offer specific actionable advice other than a statement that sounds accusatory like “you need to leave.”
- Helping your family member create a safety plan will help instill confidence and give hope that there is a way out. Safety plans generally include a way to leave the abuser, a plan for emergencies, a safe place to stay, and phone numbers for support groups and hotlines.
- Understand that you may not be the best person to help, but you may be able to nudge them in the right direction. Some victims of abuse are reluctant to open up about their partner’s actions, so they may be more comfortable contacting a trained professional. Sometimes help can come in the form of a simple call to The National Domestic Violence Hotline or a more serious talk with a personal injury attorney.
- Encourage your family member to make decisions that will positively affect their life, but do not get frustrated if they are unable or unwilling. At the end of the day, it must be their decision to terminate the abusive relationship.
Don’t
- Don’t go into the situation feeling that you need to be an expert on abusive relationships or domestic violence. The fact that you are showing concern indicates that you care about this person and want what is best for them. It’s great to do some research beforehand, but remember that you are not a trained expert, so err on the side of friendly concern rather than counseling or advice.
- Do not accuse your family member of making poor choices, despite what you may think about their relationship. Reaffirm that you are coming from a place of love, not judgement. It is also crucial to refrain from criticizing the abuser. Despite the fact that the relationship has become unhealthy, it is likely that your family member still loves their partner or depends on them for a sense of self-esteem.
- Don’t pressure your family member to leave the relationship. It may seem like a simple solution to you, but there may be many psychological and physical factors keeping them in place. They may be facing threats of physical abuse against them or their children should they attempt to leave. The abuser may have limited their partner’s options by controlling finances and limiting their access to friends and family.
- Don’t exclaim that they should “just leave.” If it was as simple as that, your family member would have already left their partner. All you can do is offer support, not an immediate solution.
Sources:
http://abuseintervention.org/help/friend-family/
