In my practice, I often encounter requests from parents to help change or eliminate an undesirable child behavior. For example, “Tommy is suddenly wetting the bed and we don’t know why;” “Anaya tantrums and refuses to go to school every day;” or “Kristen has been hitting her sister when she’s angry or frustrated.”
Dealing with these unwanted behaviors is definitely not the “fun” part of parenting and often frustrates us the most. When frustrations are high, we can say and do things we do not mean or regret. This complicates the process even more and, let’s face it, time and simplicity are valuable in our ever-busy lives.
I provided some easy tips and reminders to help initiate changes in your child’s behavior in a loving and supportive way, hopefully reducing the amount of hair you pull out in the process. Take a deep breath, a sip of coffee, and imagine the success you and your child will feel after you eliminate that problem behavior!
1. KEEP IT SIMPLE: State Your Needs Loud and Clear
Children have short attention spans, which is why we always remind, repeat, and redirect them. Children respond to clear and simple directions. This sounds like a no-brainer, but it is often hard to stay simple in the moment, especially if frustrations are high and patience is low!
Use the formula below to help state your needs loud and clear. State what behavior needs to change and why:
“[Child’s name here], [behavior you want to change] is unacceptable because [provide 1 or 2 reasons].”
Common reasons may deal with safety, health issues, and problems of respect or kindness.
The simpler the statement, the better! For example, “David, hitting your sister is not acceptable because it is hurtful and unkind.”
2. Create Structured Incentives and Rewards
We all need motivation in our lives. Sometimes we need to create that motivation for ourselves and loved ones to achieve our goals without losing our minds in the process. An easy way to do this with children is by creating rewards for changes in behavior. In a potty training example, we may say: “Peter, every time you go potty on the toilet you will get a sticker on your behavior chart. When you have earned 3 stickers we can celebrate with ice cream. [See Figure 1 below for Behavior Chart example]
Creating incentives or motivation for your child helps teach responsibility and self-advocacy. Remember, rewards do not always have to be tangible. Sometimes the best reward for a child is hearing, “I’m so proud of you!” You can also model behavior changes by changing a behavior of your own in the same process that your child is using. Maybe you would like to exercise more or eat healthier. Create change with your children so they see that hard work pays off and adults make behavior changes too!
Figure 1: Peter’s Potty Chart
(Note: You can create your own chart by hand or computer, then add creative flair with the help of your little one. I often find Behavior Charts at my local dollar store that can be modified and include stickers.)
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3. Focus on the progress, not the missteps.
We all slip up sometimes. I can not tell you how many times I have set a goal for myself and then procrastinated until the goal seemed irrelevant or non-existent. Change is hard and often includes a bit of failure before success. Remember that your sweet little love bugs are working hard and trying to figure this “life” thing out with significantly less experience than we have.
Reward the positive steps and re-frame the negative ones. For example, Emma has successfully gone to school without tantruming for three days in a row! On the fourth day she has a meltdown but still makes it to school (a little late, but she made it). Reward each time she accomplished her goal and on the day of the slip-up, choose your words carefully and recognize the progress.
Phrases like, “You have done such a good job going to school three days in a row without having a tantrum! I know we can continue to make this happen!” or, “Sometimes we make mistakes, and that’s okay. You’re doing such a great job!” can help to keep the message positive and reduce shame for a tiny misstep.
4. Practice Empathy
Empathy is very important but can be difficult to initiate in practice. Empathy is defined as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another,” or to “hold another’s feelings with love.” The good news about empathy is that we have almost always experienced a similar feeling at some point in our lives to those we are attempting to relate to.
It is important to have empathy for others, especially children because they are still learning so much, and learning can be scary and hard! We all make mistakes in the process of learning, and a little empathy can go a long way. When your child gets frustrated in the process of change, be empathetic to their feelings!
Examples of phrases of empathy can be anything from: “I know it’s not fun to do things you don’t want to do,” to, “Sometimes it feels like we can’t do it, but we have to keep trying, even when we don’t want to anymore.”
Hopefully, these steps can help create a positive and nurturing environment for change in your child. Pick and choose what works for you, and scrap the things that don’t. You are the expert on your child and their needs! If all else fails, practice empathy, and seek assistance from an outside perspective – friends, family members, teachers, or psychotherapists. After all, “it takes a village to raise a child,” and the more support we have along the way, the better!
Sources:
http://singleparentnetwork.com/2015/01/03/4-steps-to-support-change-in-child-behavior/4/
