(NaturalNews) The bane of belly fat! Nobody likes it, and the internet is full of ads that promise all sorts of ways to get rid of it. Nobody wants to hear the real answer to the problem, however, because that comes down to eating fewer calories than you expend and suffering through the weight loss starvation experience.
Instead, we’re offered a bizarre collection of truly insane advice ranging from taking acai diet pills (which doesn’t reduce belly fat) to surgically removing most of your stomach (which also does not reduce belly fat unless you eat less, which you could do anyway without the surgery).
Some surgeons are even sewing patches onto the tongues of patients, making it so painful to eat that you’re forced to lose up to 30 pounds in just one month (of suffering).
Well, hey, if surgically altering your tongue is now a weight loss “therapy,” then what else might we see in the near future?
I thought I’d weigh in with a collection of the 10 most insane ways to remove belly fat that we might see available soon. All of them require (virtually) no dieting, exercise or effort!
#1) Suck out all your fat with Apple’s new “iSuck” tornado liposuction appliance
Apple Computer has just introduced a belly fat remover, featuring a super high suction “tornado vacuum” that sucks belly fat right out of your torso while playing your favorite tunes.
It’s called the iSuck. And since it’s from Apple, it also reads all your emails and forwards them to government spy agencies. Plus, it’s cool to tell your friends, “iSuck! iSuck!” Because they know you already do.
Makes a great Christmas gift, too. Don’t wait! Get your iSuck today and get rid of all that belly fat!
#2) Become infected by a zombie — zombies are thin!
Have you ever noticed that nearly all zombies are incredibly thin? This is one of the quickest ways to lose weight: find a zombie and let them bite you.
Soon, you too will become an undead zombie, giving you incredible strength while shedding excess pounds at a pace you never thought possible! You will also be immune to pain and will never again have to use your brain, since it’s been turned to mush.
Of course, there is the down side that you won’t be a conscious being anymore, but that actually makes you more popular and more qualified for a government job! Fit in with your friends, get a government paycheck and lose that belly fat once and for all with the zombie infection solution!
#3) Feed the sharks
Adventurers off the coast of New Zealand are now offering belly fat reduction shark feeding “experiences.” With ambulances standing by, you are lowered into shark-infested waters and covered in chain mail everywhere but your belly, which is covered in pig’s blood.
Tourist onlookers watch nearby in a protective cage while sharks engage in razor-sharp, precision removal of your entire mid-section. It’s painless!
Once the fat is gone — and hopefully before they get to the guts — you are lifted out of the water and sewn back together by medical professionals. Get ready to look in the mirror at the NEW YOU! Plus, if anyone asks about the scars, you can tell them an awesome story about how you were a world-class surfer and almost got eaten by a shark. The ladies love it!
#4) The “Angelina” method: Surgically remove your entire mid-section
If the answer to preventing breast cancer is to surgically remove both your breasts, then the answer to belly fat must be to surgically remove your belly!
New “torsectomy” surgical procedures are now being offered by cosmetic surgeons who are always happy to cut off, cut up or cut out another section of your body… as long as you pay up.
Your entire torso can be surgically removed for just a few dollars out of pocket, and if you’re concerned that your arms have so much droopy fat that they flutter in the wind like a sailboat sail, you can also have both arms removed for no extra cost!
Yes, it’s the miracle of modern surgical science!
#5) Have your head surgically swapped with someone else’s body who is already thin
The hard part about this method is holding them down long enough to begin the procedure. And then, of course, after it’s all done you get to explain to them why their head is suddenly attached to a fat body. They may not appreciate the change as much as you do.
But who cares? It’s all about YOU, not them! So find yourself some thin person and knock ’em out with chloroform. Drag them into the surgery center and prepare to eliminate all your body fat once and for all by swapping bodies!
Please try to find someone who is roughly your same age. If you slap your old fat head on top of some young kid’s body, the combination will terrorize all the children on the playground. It’s great to appear thin, but for God’s sake at least try to appear human.
#6) The human dehydration machine
Ever notice how a grape looks much smaller when it’s a raisin? Suck all of the water out of something, and it gets thinner. Scientists at YoMamma Technologies, Inc. have developed a human-sized dehydrator that pulls 10 pounds of water out of your skin in just 5 minutes!
Introducing the amazing Human Dehydration Machine. Shaped like a coffin and running on standard household electricity, it can give you that amazing “raisin skin” look that’s all the rage these days. Everybody loves raisin skin!
NASA is also investigating the device for long-term space travel preservation of astronauts. So far, experiments are successful on the dehydration stage, but not so successful on the RE-hydration stage. More volunteers and “interns” are needed!
#7) Do a deal with the devil
Word on the street is that the Devil is currently offering belly fat reduction magic in exchange for your soul. Sign on the dotted line and you, too, can become a thin, supermodel-looking servant of Satan himself.
The Devil will magically remove all your belly fat and have it implanted in Michael Moore. So everybody wins!
It’s not just the reduction of belly fat you get to enjoy, either: You also receive a free nip-and-tuck facelift to make you look even more demonic.
This surgery has already been performed on Lady Gaga, and you can see it worked! Janet Napolitano signed up for the procedure but the devil got so frightened by her that he refused to cooperate.
#8) Accelerate all your friends toward the speed of light so that they gain mass, making you look thinner by comparison
According to Einstein’s theory of general relativity, all objects gain mass as they approach the speed of light. So the way this works is you round up all your friends, stuff them into a spaceship, launch them toward Alpha Centauri and kick in the engine afterburners.
As they approach the speed of light, they will all gain enormous quantities of mass. As this happens, you can point your finger into space and laugh and them sardonically, repeating, “You’re so MASSIVE! Ha ha!”
Any of your friends who are not physicists will not get the joke, but what do they know, anyway?
#9) The time machine method
Because everybody in the world keeps getting fatter and fatter with time, if you rocket yourself forward in time a few hundred years, you will emerge looking totally thin compared to everyone else!
Yes, it’s the time machine method of (relative) weight loss! You don’t actually lose any weight, but it appears that you did, and that’s all that really matters, right?
“Fast Forward Time Machines” are currently available at CVS pharmacies, near the photo booths. Simply insert your credit card in the slot, use the keypad to enter the year you’d like to be sent to, then squeeze your body into the temporal vessel and press the “GO” button.
Physics takes care of the rest, and when you re-emerge from the machine in the future, you’ll be the thinnest person around! (And you will owe 200 years of compounded interest on your credit card…)
#10) Recruit some aliens
This is by far the easiest way to eliminate your belly fat. Have you ever noticed that aliens always grow in your torso and eat up all your belly fat before bursting out of your chest?
During this hibernation time, you are awesomely thin!
Just find an alien to inject an egg through your mouth, then wait for the fat-reducing action to begin! While you may notice some discomfort, it’s all worth the new, improved you!
Plus, you can tell all your friends, “Aliens ate my belly fat, and I didn’t even have to do Pilates.” They will be envious, which is the whole point, right?