The world is full of Invalidators. Invalidators are people who dismiss anyone’s point, feelings, and experiences in a flash. If the sounds like familiar territory, then you are invalidator.
Invalidators often leave their audience feeling marginalized and misunderstood. They are oblivious or indifferent to the damage they create or do not see the problem in how they communicate. The attitude is “I am just being honest” or “I am keeping it real”. Although their perspective about being honest people is true, the reality is that invalidators ignore the impact of their words.
The main problem with this communication blunder is that it promotes division between two people. The conversation is pointless if the speaker A does not acknowledge the perspective of speaker B and vise versa.
Here is a example of invalidation –
Speaker A – “Man, the food here is great. It reminds me of my Grandmother’s cooking, I would love to be able to cook like this”
Speaker B – “Please the food here is terrible and if your Grandmother’s food is anything near this quality, then you need reevaluate your taste buds”
In this example, speaker B invalidated speaker A’s experience with not only the food but the memory of speaker A’s Grandmother. This style of speaking is a clear example of invalidation.
Here is another example,
Speaker A – ” I do not like the service of this car shop, they are way too slow with fixing my car. I got to wait 2 weeks for it to be done and my job is 30 miles away from home”
Speaker B – ” It’s not that bad, you can can just get up early and walk…”
The are so many examples of people invalidating one another. The reason this is because it is very easy to do. It’s one thing to express yourself in a way that different from another’s perspective. However, another way is to not take into consideration of people feelings at the same time. In other words, to agree to disagree rather then crudely express your opinion.
The goal of any conversation is for two people to acknowledge each other while giving each person respect. If you are an invalidator and aware of the disharmony it creates, you can change. Practice being open to your audience giving undivided attention while allowing to your audience to voice themselves without your own pre-determined judgment.
With using the above examples, here is another take on it –
Speaker A – “Man, the food here is great. It reminds me of my Grandmother’s cooking, I would love to be able to cook like this”
Speaker B – ” I do not know man, food here is suspect. I would hope your Grandmother can teach them better”
Speaker B express his own unique experience while at the same time did not invalidate Speaker A’s assessment of the food and his Memory of his Grandmother.
Here is the other example,
Speaker A – ” I do not like the service of this car shop, they are way too slow with fixing my car. I got to wait 2 weeks for it to be done and my job is 30 miles away from home”
Speaker B – ” That sucks. If waking up early and walking is out of the question, then why don’t you see if the company can give you a rental or the number to one?”
This scenario shows how Speaker B once again, showed he was able to express his opinion while acknowledging Speaker A’s perspective and situation.
It is natural to disagree and also acknowledging it too, but not at the cost of your audience’s point of view, feelings and position in their lives. With practice and a valiant effort, one can grow from an invalidator to a great conversationalist.
Stay Empowered!
